Aristotle Dies!

Comet and Supernova Kill Aristotle!

FLORENCE, ITALY – Shocking news came today of the death of Aristotle, the ancient Greek philosopher and obnoxious know-it-all who popularized the widely-believed geocentric theory of the universe.

Aristotle, who just last week celebrated his 1, 974^th birthday, was speaking at a conference in Padua when disaster struck. Before the catastrophe, Aristotle was attempting to convince listeners of his revised theory of the nature of the universe, in which the fifth element aether always moves in a circular motion except on Mondays, the day Aristotle eloquently says is "just screwed up". While conference attendees were wondering if the old man had finally gone senile, there was a sudden flash of light, and Aristotle was gone!

Frightened people streamed out of the building in a panic that spread among the innocent bystanders on the street. What erupted was pure chaos as thousands of people smashed and looted buildings. Witnesses report seeing astronomer Nicholas Copernicus beating the heck out a park bench, screaming, "I told you so!" These reports are unconfirmed.

Investigations were underway as soon as the crowd dispersed, and the cause of Aristotle’s disappearance was linked to both a comet and a supernova that have been prevalent in the night skies for the last few months. Tycho Brahe, the astronomer who calculated the position and distance of the comet, said Aristotle’s disappearance was due to some random radiation-thingy caused by the comet passing by Earth.

A colleague of his, however, believed the radiation-thingy was caused by debris from the supernova.

Whatever the cause, it is clear that Aristotle is dead, much to the relief, I mean chagrin, of his peers.

"He was really on to something with that Monday thing," sadly stated a man who wished to remain anonymous.

"I say good riddance," said Copernicus from his jail cell. "That guy just refused to die!"

Perhaps the most eloquent quote was gathered from an unknown astronomer who attended the doomed conference:

"Aristotle was a man of his time, which unfortunately ended nearly two thousand years ago. It’s time for the bright and brash new people, like Brahe and Copernicus, to take over the limelight."

The source went on further to say, "It’s been known for a long time that the universe isn’t unchanging. I mean, just look at the comet and the supernova that killed him! Is that the product of a static universe?"

The reporter agreed that it wasn’t.

Upon hearing the news, Aristotle’s grandmother just shook her head and sighed.

"That boy was always stubborn," she said. "He was just asking for it."

So, with that, both Aristotle and his ideas have simply flashed out of existence, due solely to the fact that the universe is not static, but continuously changing and dynamic. No more is the solar system revolving around a stationary Earth. The coming discoveries about solar system should prove exciting. The reporter thinks the irony is self-evident.

"Aristotle Dies!" is copyright © K. B. Cunningham 2000

Back to Random Shorts