Skylar Town Main: Writing: Rules For Being a Biology Major

Rules For Being a Biology Major

1. You must be pre-med. What person in their right mind would want to do research? Besides, if you’re not pre-med, you miss out on the following fun activities:

a. Acting smugly superior to all those poor souls who are not pre-med.

b. Spending ungodly amounts of money to take an MCAT class (because, darn it, college tuition just doesn’t cost enough!).

c. Using the upcoming MCAT to shirk all personal responsibility your junior year. Practice this line early and often: "I know I said I’d do this, but I’ve got to study for the MCAT."

d. Also using the MCAT to force everyone else to rearrange their schedules around yours. Practice line #2: "Sorry, can’t meet then. I have MCAT class. How about we set a highly irregular time when no one else can meet?" (And don’t forget the accompanying body language - crossed arms, dramatic sighs, and extremely put-out facial expression when no one else agrees).

2. You are not allowed any political opinions. None. You will be stared at if you show up at a political discussion or protest, and confronted with masses of confused people who say, "I thought you were a science major," because of course all science majors are socially awkward, inflexible, immoral, soon-to-be-pawns of the American government who have no business showing their faces outside of a lab. And it’s not like they’re even aware of what’s going on in the world beyond their silly test tubes.

3. Ditto on having interests other than science. Science is your life. Forget writing, art, or theater. It is unheard of that you would want to be in a stage production, play a musical instrument, or even be on the editorial board of the campus literary magazine. God forbid you rub elbows with those English majors.

4. Playing sports is an exception. It is perfectly fine for you to be an athlete, but your eventual career goal must be, and only be, some sort of physical therapy job, or as coach for the local high school track team.

5. If you ignored Rule #1 and decided to become a researcher anyway, you will be doomed to spend the rest of your life getting blank stares when you answer people’s inquiries concerning your job. Learn to simplify your career as much as possible for non-science people who will refuse to understand anything beyond your first word, even if you try to explain.

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