Skylar Town Main: Quotes: Stargate SG-1: Season One

Stargate SG-1 Quotes: Season One

The list of quotes I've collected from season one of Stargate SG-1.

Children of the Gods (1x01)

Hammond: Me, I’m on my last tour. Time to get my thoughts together, maybe write a book. You ever think of writing a book of your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack: I’ve thought about it, but then I’d have to shoot anyone that actually read it. (silence from Hammond) That’s a joke, sir. Most of my work over the last ten years was classified.

Hammond: You didn't much like Daniel Jackson, did you?
Jack: Daniel was a scientist. He sneezed a lot. Basically, he was a geek, Sir.
Samuels: So you didn't have a lot of time for him.
Jack: I didn't say that. He also saved my life and found a way home for my men and me. Little thing like that kinda makes a person grow on you, if you know what I mean.

Jack: Ya think?

Samuels: What if the aliens get it?
Jack: Well, they could be blowing their noses right now.

Sam: You don’t have to worry Major, I played with dolls when I was a kid.
Kawalsky: G. I. Joe?
Sam: No, Major Matt Mason.
Kawalsky: Oh . . . (to Ferretti) Who?
Ferreti: Major Matt Mason, astronaut doll. Did you have that cool little backpack that made him fly?

Kawalsky: I think what the Colonel is saying is, have you ever pulled out of a simulated bombing run in an F-16 at 8-plus G’s?
Sam: Yes.
Kawalsky: (surprised) Well, it’s way worse than that.

Jack: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I just have a little problem with scientists.
Sam: Colonel, I logged over a hundred hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War, is that tough enough for you? Or are we going to have to arm wrestle?

Jack: Captain?
Sam: Don't worry, Colonel. I won't let you down.
Jack: Good. I WAS going to say, "ladies first."
Sam: You know, you really will like me when you get to know me.
Jack: Oh, I adore you already, Captain.

Sam: I think I'm going to be sick.
Jack: Maybe you shouldn't have had that big lunch.

Sam: Amazing. (the DHD) This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it! It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a system on Earth.
Jack: Captain?
Sam: Look how small it is!
Jack: Captain!

Daniel: I don't pretend to know anything about astrophysics, but couldn't the planets change? I mean, drift apart or something to throw this map off?
Sam: I knew I'd like you.
Daniel: You mean I'm right?

Daniel: Anyway, um, as soon as you were gone they realized that they were free, I mean, Abydos was their world for the taking.
Jack: Have a little party did ya?
Daniel: Oh yeah, big, big party.

Daniel: I mean, have you ever tried to grind your own flour?
Jack: I’m trying to kick the flour thing.

Sam: So you’re saying Ra’s not the last of his race after all?
Kawalsky: Maybe he’s got a brother, Ray.

Jack: All right, if we’re not back in 20 hours . . .
Kawalsky: We’ll come rescue your sorry asses.

Jack: Hold down the fort.
Kawalsky: Pick me up a t-shirt.

Sam: So, Dr. Jackson, tell me more about Sha’re, how did you meet?
Daniel: Sha’re, well, she, uh . . .
Jack: She was a gift.
Daniel: She was, actually, from the elders of Abydos the first time we were there.
Sam: And you accepted?

Jack: Oh, for crying out loud. The man has not changed. (as Daniel runs out to greet the monks)

Daniel: Unless we want to give ourselves a bad reputation, I think we should avoid shooting the first people we meet on a new planet.

Jack: I can save these people! Help me! Help me.
Teal'c: Many have said that. But you are the first I believe could do it!

Jack: Hey, c’mon!
Teal'c: I have nowhere to go.
Jack: For this you can stay at my place. Let’s go.

The Enemy Within (1x02)

Jack: You know, I'm kind of partial to P3A-575 if you don't mind taking P3A-577.
Kawalsky: No I'll take 577.
Jack: I'm not married to it.
Kawalsky: No, no, it's . . .
Jack: I want to be fair about it. How about we flip for it?
Hammond: How about you go where I tell you.

Daniel: You don't think the Goa'ulds are sending people through, do you?
Jack: Be like bugs on a windshield.

Daniel: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam: Pure titanium. Less than three micrometers from the event horizon. It won't even allow matter to fully reintegrate.
Jack: So this iris is gonna hold, right?
Sam: If it doesn't, the failsafe device will detonate, this whole mountain will vaporize and there'll be nothing to worry about.
Jack: Ah. Good, I feel much better.

Jack: What's the bad news, General?
Hammond: Not much for small talk are you, Colonel?
Jack: How was your weekend? Get any fishing in?

Jack: Well, they'll be in for a surprise, huh?
Teal'c: Your iris will be closed. They will be crushed.
Jack: Surprise.

Teal'c: If I had killed you then, I would not be here now.
Jack: Neither would I.

Jack: Permission to barge in, sir?

Kennedy: Colonel O'Neill. I was hoping to meet you. Your mission report from Chulak made for the most engrossing analysis of my career.
Jack: Well, thanks. What was your favorite part?

Jack: That's Teal'c with an apostrophe. T-E-A-L-apostrophe-C.

Teal'c: There is a tale of a primitive world the Goa'uld discovered millennia ago. The Tau'ri. The First World where forms of this type first evolved. It is said the Goa'uld harvested among the primitives. Some became Goa'uld hosts, others became jaffa, the rest were taken as slaves and seeded among the stars to serve them. But that world has been lost for centuries.

Jack: Listen, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack: If you don't make it . . . can I have your stereo?

Jack: That's right, Dorothy. It was all a dream.

Hammond: Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

Emancipation (1x03)

Abu: No! I cannot look at you.
Sam: Okay, now I'm hurt.

Sam: Daniel, find out what I did wrong so I can fix it.

Shavadai: That one is a woman.
Jack: Observant bunch.

Sam: Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this head dress.

Daniel: How is it that you always come up with the worst case scenario?
Jack: I practice.

Teal'c: What will happen to Dr. Carter tonight if we wait?
Mughal: Turgan will partake in his newest purchase.
Jack: Oh, there's not a chance in hell.

Sam: I'm a lousy cook, and I couldn't spin weave or dye if my life depended on it.

Sam: What a relief, I have never been so happy to see you guys.
Jack: Oh, sure you have, remember that time on P3X-595, you drank that stuff that made you take off . . .
Sam: We won't get into that now.

Jack: So when your back's up against the wall and there's no tomorrow, just take one day at a time, and remember the bigger they are, et cetera.

Jack: Damn. Guess I'm going to have to cancel that Oprah interview.
Teal'c: What is an 'Oprah'?

The Broca Divide (1x04)

Jack: Let me guess . . . that's where we're going.
Hammond: Very good, Colonel.
Jack: Thank you, sir. I pride myself on my deductive reasoning skills.

Daniel: Couldn't we call this planet something that's a little easier to remember?
Sam: It's based on a binary code the computer uses for extrapolation.
Jack: Which makes it much easier to remember.

Makepeace: Don't you worry, boys. That's why the SG-3 Marines are coming with. You can count on us to watch your backsides.
Daniel: Actually, it's more my front side I was worried about.

Jack: You're late. (hands over a pair of goggles) Put these on.
Daniel: Doesn't look like my prescription.

Jack: Daniel! What are they?
Daniel: Well, they don't look completely Homo sapiens. Uh, the larger brow ridge would imply Homo erectus, but then again, they'd have canine teeth . . . uh, they could be Australopithecus, but the brow ridge would be less prominent . . .
Jack: You don't know, do you?
Daniel: No.

Jack: Oh, for crying out loud, we're not gods. Get up.

Jack: Love what they've done with the place.
Sam: I was going to do my living room like this, but it didn't go with my other stuff.
Daniel: Looks Minoan.

Jack: Yeah. Back to the Stargate, back to Earth, terra firma, home, you've heard of it?

Daniel: Now, just, just . . . wait a minute!
Hammond: Dr. Jackson, you're wasting your breath. You've already won the argument.
Daniel: But I have to insist you . . . what, what, what, what? I've already won?

Sam: I want you.
Jack: Why? I mean, no! Carter, this is a little out of line, don't you think?

Fraiser: All the victims are behaving like primitives. Most female low-level primates tend to choose their sexual partners according to who would give them the strongest offspring. The leaders of the pack, or a tribe, were usually the prime choice. You should be flattered.
Jack: Oh, yeah. I'm honored.

Daniel: Wow, what happened to you?
Jack: Oh, I . . . got in a little wrestling match with Carter.
Daniel: Why?
Jack: I guess she's got whatever Johnson's got. Had to drag her off to the infirmary.
Daniel: What, did she start a fight with you, like Johnson did with Teal'c?
Jack: No, she, uh, tried to seduce me.
Daniel: Oh. You . . . poor man.

Daniel: Well, that beats me. You're the doctor, Doctor. Uh, maybe I have a natural immunity.
Teal'c: Perhaps you will develop symptoms later.
Daniel: Thank you for the moral support.

Jack: Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am not Lucy.
Jack: I know that. It's a reference to an old TV . . . never mind. Open the door.
Teal'c: I will summon the doctor.
Jack: No, come on. I'm fine. I'm back to being myself. Just open up.
Teal'c: I cannot be certain that you are back to being yourself. You referred to me as 'Lucy.'

Jack: Daniel, you dog. Keep this up, you'll have a girl on every planet.

Sam: About my earlier behavior . . . I wasn't myself, and . . .
Jack: Oh, Carter, I don't even remember your earlier behavior.
Sam: You don't?
Jack: No, I was infected too, remember?
Sam: Right! Good, I'm glad.
Jack: By the way, how's the wound?
Sam: Wound?
Jack: I understand you got stabbed in the stomach?
Sam: Oh, yeah, that was nothing. With any luck, there won't even be a scar.
Jack: Well, good. I was concerned.
Sam: You were?
Jack: Sure. If it doesn't heal properly, you'll never wear that sweet little tank top number again.

The First Commandment (1x05)

Jack: No, Sir? Does it say Colonel anywhere on my uniform?

Jack: Well, we're off to see the wizard.

Jack: To Oz.

Daniel: This tastes like chicken.
Sam: So what's wrong with it?
Daniel: It's macaroni and cheese.

Jack: Perfect. If any little rocks sneak up on us, we'll have plenty of warning.

Sam: So, any indigenous lions, tigers, or bears I should lying awake worrying about?

Daniel: Oh. What did you see in him?
Sam: I don't know. I guess I've always had a soft spot for the lunatic fringe.

Daniel: We should have stopped her.
Teal'c: We would have failed.

Hanson: I really wish I understood these drawings.
Sam: Why don't you ask your people?
Hanson: All knowing.

Jack: The sky, orange?
Jamala: The sky. Up there.
Jack: Yeah, I know what the sky is.

Teal'c: Power alone does not make one a god.

Hanson: All along I've been looking for God. And here I am.

Jamala: Good drawing.
Teal'c: Thank you.

Connor: Kill me.
Jack: Are you sure? I've come all this way.

Jack: Hey, how you doing? You know we'd love to stick around but some brain-dead sycophant left my buddy out here to die. So we’re out of here.

Jack: We’re not demons, for crying out loud.

Cold Lazarus (1x06)

Daniel (on radio): Jack, we've finished our recon, loaded up FRED and we're ready to head back to the gate . . . is this . . . am I using this right?

Sam: Listen, no offense, Colonel, but this becomes the women's locker room in . . . well, now. You know how I hate those sandy planets.

Teal'c (after watching TV): Your world is a strange place.
Daniel: So's yours.

Teal'c: You received permission for me to fire my staff weapon in the gate room?
Sam: Oh . . . yeah.
Daniel: Absolutely.

Sam: The energy signature looks like some kind of gas plasma laser. Wow, I'd love to get this into the spectrometer at Stanford.
Teal'c: What is a 'Stanford'?

Sam: Holy Hannah!

Hammond: Teal'c, you'll have to leave that here. (the staff weapon).
Teal'c: I have seen your world . . . I will need it.

Teal'c: Chicago . . . the Windy City . . . home of the Black Hawks, the Bulls and the White Sox.
Jack: Don't forget the Cubs.

Sara: We were pretty great together, weren't we?
Jack: We were the greatest.

The Nox (1x07)

Daniel: Hover? Like a hummingbird?
Teal'c: With teeth.

Daniel: Do we have a homing device?
Jack: 'Course we do, it's with the gear.
Daniel: Which is . . . by the Stargate.

Daniel: I felt that blast kill me. I mean, I thought . . . we were dead. Weren't we dead?
Sam: Yeah.
Daniel: Okay. Well, I thought heaven would be a little more upscale.
Sam: Oh, I don't think this is heaven.

Jack: Wasn't I just . . .
Sam: Killed.
Jack: Killed as in . . .
Sam: Dead.
Jack: Dead.

Jack: Colonel Jack O'Neill, SG-1. Um . . . sorry to drop in on you like this but we were . . . dead.

Jack: Ah, fruit. Nothing like coming back from the dead to build up an appetite

Daniel: I think they're a family.
Jack: Of what?

Jack: No, you can't keep him.

Jack: Look, we're not in the assassination business, he's just . . . bad. Very . . .
Daniel: Bad.
Jack: Bad. We just wanted to take him back to our world and have a chat with him about all the nasty . . .
Jack & Daniel: Bad
Jack: Things he's been doing.

Nafrayu: Is that a weapon?
Jack: Yes, and you can't have it.

Ohper: Then I am four hundred and thirty-two years old.
Daniel: Well, ah . . . you look great.

Anteaus: The very young do not always do what they are told.

Jack: So Shak'l thinks we're unarmed, Apophis thinks he's invulnerable . . .
Daniel: And they're right. I think I found the flaw in your plan.

Anteaus: Fear not. Maybe one day you will learn that your way is not the only way.

Brief Candle (1x08)

Jack: You never cease to amaze me with all your talents.

Daniel: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack: I thought you said it was Greek?
Daniel: Oh, uh, the Mycenae was an ancient city in the southern Peloponnesus region.
Jack: Where's that?
Daniel: Greece.
Jack: Why do I do that?

Teal'c: Where do the gods reside?
Alekos: Doesn't everyone know?
Thetyes: In the sky, of course.
Daniel: Of course.

Jack: Um, do things feel a little . . . 'off' here?
Daniel: Are you crazy? It's a paradise.
Jack: Yeah, sure, have an apple. What could happen?

Alekos: Unto every man the Creator gives one hundred blissful days. It is a sin not to celebrate each and every one.
Daniel: A one hundred day celebration? Guess we should pace ourselves.

Jack: Um . . . what happened?
Sam: To them or you?
Jack: We'll talk about that later.

Teal'c: It is Goa'uld, an obscure dialect.
Daniel: Why didn't you tell me that before?
Teal'c: You never before inquired.

Sam: You know, goodbyes really suck.

Jack: Why aren't we unconscious yet?

Thor's Hammer (1x09)

Daniel: This is . . . different.

Gairwyn: You're a little short for gods.

Jack: Teal'c, I think we just got the answering machine.

Jack: Water. Give it enough time and it'll bring down walls, even walls just like that. So in a couple hundred years, we'll be free.

Unas: Kill the human.
Jack: Excuse me?

Teal'c: It was dead.
Jack: That's good.
Teal'c: I believe.
Jack: You believe?
Teal'c: I am certain.
Jack: Positive?
Teal'c: I am.
Jack: Just a myth.
Teal'c: A myth.
Jack: Good.

Daniel: Haven't you ever had a feeling that made absolutely no logical sense and it turned out to be right?

Teal'c: Are you considering the same tactic as I?
Jack: Teal'c, the cliché is, 'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' And the answer is yes.

The Torment of Tantalus (1x10)

Jack: Oh yeah, nothing piques my interest more than repeated failure.

Jack: Well, whole boxes of material could be missing.
Daniel: No, the Pentagon said this was everything.
Jack: Oh please, the Pentagon's lost entire countries.

Catherine: You speak.
Teal'c: When it is appropriate.

Jack: Excuse me. Are you saying that all of these are atomic . . . things?

Jack: Daniel, before your head explodes, may I remind you that we have more important things to deal with right now?

Sam: Where's Daniel?
Jack: Oh, Ernest is showing him a new toy.
Sam: Really? What?
Jack: A fancy light show that may be the key to our existence, or something like that.

Jack: All right, basic survival training. We know what we have. What do we need?
Teal'c: We have the Stargate. We need the dial home device.
Jack: Thank you, Teal'c.

Jack: I'm obviously no scientist, but . . . couldn't we use that Ben Franklin thing?

Ernest: No prize is worth attaining if you can never share it.

Bloodlines (1x11)

Hammond: How many of these other Jaffa can you be sure of?
Jack: We're pretty sure of at least . . . one guy.
Hammond: One?
Daniel: Yes, but where there's one there has to be more than . . . one.

Jack: Hey, hey, hey! Who you calling a hassock? What's a hassock?

Bra'tac:: One hundred and thirty-three. (his age)
Jack: You must work out.

Jack: Well, we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
Bra'tac: No. The bridge is too well guarded.
Jack: No, actually there, I was using a cliché that . . .

Jack: I serve the SGC under a General Hammond.
Bra'tac: So this Hammond is . . .
Jack: Just a man. A very good, very . . . bald man from Texas.

Daniel: Bingo. Goa'uld larva.
Sam: Here in the open like this, no guards?
Daniel: Well, who on Chulak needs to steal one?
Sam: We do.
Daniel: Right.

Daniel: Do you think these things need to be fed?

Daniel: Well, that was insane.

Jack: All right, here's the plan.
Bra'tac: You will do as I say.
Jack: Right.

Sam: What will you do? When the priests come to they'll tell Apophis that you betrayed them.
Bra'tac: I suppose. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Fire and Water (1x12)

Jack: Daniel Jackson made this place happen. As a member of SG-1 he was our voice, our . . . our conscious. He was a very courageous man. He was a good man. For those of us lucky enough to know him, he was also a friend.

Jack: So we're sitting around eating the Abydonian cuisine. Daniel tells Sha're he's going to go show me this cartouche thing, but before we leave she stands up and plants this kiss on him that makes his face disappear for a day.

Hammond: You know that's my car (Jack has smashed the window)
Jack: You should get that window fixed.

Sam: Oh wow, look at these, expedition journals, one for each planet we visited. (looking at Daniel's journals) One for Abydos. (opens it and reads) 'Colonel O'Neill thinks I'm a geek, I don't know how to get us back, I'll never get paid.' Oh, wow, he must have written this right after we got back. 'Sha're is gone, Jack says we'll find her. If anyone can, he can.'

Sam: What are they going to do with all this stuff?
Jack: Maybe give it to a museum . . . or start one.

Jack: Hypnosis. You know I'm not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.

Jack: Ah, home . . . yeah, about that apartment . . .
Daniel: Oh, you didn't!
Sam: Uh, the day after the memorial service.
Daniel: Memorial service?!
Sam: Colonel said some really nice things.
Daniel: He did. He did?

Hathor (1x13)

Daniel: Hathor was the Egyptian goddess of fertility, inebriety and music.
Jack: Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll?

Hathor: We are the mother of all pharaohs.
Jack: Of course we are! General, why don't we call County Mental Health? See if we can find a nice little rubber room for the lady?

Hathor: You, with the crown of marble!
Jack: She might mean you, sir.
Hathor: You are the ruler here?
Hammond: Yes, ma'am.
Hathor: May we take your hand?
Hammond: Why?
Hathor: We wish to kiss it. To bless you with fertility and joy.
Jack: Well, you can't pass that up, sir.
Hammond: Yes, I can.

Jack: Do we really think anyone's going to believe that woman if she goes around blabbing about a 'Stargate?' I mean, I have a hard enough time believing that woman down on 73rd who walks around talking about these little devil people who live in her hair. Even though she could use a little conditioner.

Jack: Is mental illness contagious?

Teal'c: General, I have served the Goa'uld. I have yet to meet a good one.

Hathor: For you, we will forever hold a special place, here.
Jack: Well, that's . . . very special. Thank you.

Sam: All the men on this base are under Hathor's control, from what I can tell. And I hate to break it to you Teal'c, but you are male.

Sam: You know, using seduction wasn't in any of the AF training manuals I've ever read.

Fraiser: Gentlemen, there are five women in here, very alone.
Sam: Why do I feel like I'm in a women-behind-bars movie?

Sam: Yeah, my career is over. (after she knocks out Hammond)

Sam: Wow! That's a miracle! (looking at Jack's stomach)
Jack: Crunches.

Fraiser: Probably nothing we can use. Maybe we'll at least get a cellular level analysis on the Goa'ulds, maybe even find some DNA information.
Daniel: A lot of that will probably be mine.
Jack: Eww!

Singularity (1x14)

Sam: No, Daniel, you're right, you can't actually see it, not the singularity itself. It's so massive not even light can escape it. But during the totality phase of the eclipse, we should be able to see matter spiraling towards it.
Jack: Actually, it's called the Ecretion Disc.
Daniel: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like . . . WHAT did you just say?!
Sam: You didn't think the Colonel has a telescope on his roof just to look at his neighbors, did you?
Jack: Not initially.

Teal'c: I still do not understand this black hole.
Jack: Well a black hole is this really . . . big thing. It, um, well, basically it's a massive . . . hole, out there.
Teal'c: I see.
Jack: Yeah, and what happens is everything is sucked into it. Even light. That's why we can't see it. (pause) Just gets . . . sucked in.
Teal'c: Thank you.
Jack: Sure.

Jack: We have a rule here on Earth. Every kid has got to have a dog. This is a dog, and he's yours.

Cor-ai (1x15)

Daniel: You know, I wish you wouldn't say 'harvest.' We're talking about human beings, not brussels sprouts.

Hanno: But first you meet the elders. Come!
Jack: I always wanted to meet the elders.

Jack: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

Daniel: Well, it's just that I've never actually heard you referred to as a diplomat. I think, um, 'antagonist' was the word used.

Jack: Unbelievable.
Daniel: It's actually rather Talmudic. Only he who was wronged can forgive.
Jack: Will you can it?

Daniel: The truth is our defense.

Hammond: Colonel, the United States is not in the business of interfering in other people's affairs.
Jack: Since when, sir?

Sam: Maybe Daniel broke him out.
Jack: Keep those positive thoughts coming, Captain.

Enigma (1x16)

Sam: Successful launch. UAV is holding course and the wormhole should reach the Tollan gate in . . . 3 . . . 2 . . .1. Temperature - ground 1700 degrees Fahrenheit. Air - seems to be in pockets, ranging from 1500 degrees down to 200.
Jack: Sounds like L. A .

Jack: Promoted? Talk about failing upwards.

Jack: Whoa, cool.
Daniel: But totally impossible.

Teal'c: To where will you take them?
Maybourne: To a secure community here in the Rockies.
Jack: Nice little community with high walls, guards, maybe a little barbed wire?

Nareem: You are anything but primitive, Samantha. What your mind doesn't know your heart fills in.
Sam: I don't know what that means, exactly, but it's beautiful.
Nareem: Which is exactly what it means.

Lya: Your race has learned nothing. But you have. The Tollans are most welcome to join the Nox.

Solitudes (1x17)

Jack: No, my leg's definitely broken. This is bad news, 'cause unless they've redecorated the gate room I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Jack: You wouldn't think jagged bone digging into raw nerves would hurt, but it does.

Sam: I don't think you should move.
Jack: Probably not, but my butt's freezing to the ground.

Jack: A little paint, a couple of windows, maybe a fireplace in the corner, it'll be just like home.

Jack: I think I cracked a rib, too.
Sam: Why didn't you say something?
Jack: I was afraid you'd try to put a splint on it.

Sam: I didn't know you could cook.
Jack: I can't, but my melted ice is to die for.

Jack: That's fine, it's just really hard to sleep with broken ribs when someone's lying on you.

Sam: Uh, sir?
Jack: It's my sidearm, I swear.

Jack: No giggling, please!

Daniel: (to Teal'c) What happens when you dial your own phone number? Wrong person to ask. (to Hammond) What happens when you dial your own phone number?

Daniel & Teal'c: General, permission to . . .
Hammond: Granted.

Tin Man (1x18)

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Colonel speaking, welcome to P3X-niner-eight-niner, where it's a balmy . . . room temperature.

Harlan: Uh, exactly? Ninety-nine million, two hundred seven thousand of your hours.
Jack: That's 11,000 years.
Sam: How did you know that?
Jack: That's right?

Daniel: It's incredible. It looks like mine, it feels like mine, it IS mine. I mean, I don't feel any different. If anything, I feel better.
Sam: Yeah, that's what Harlan said.
Daniel: Why didn't he just tell us?
Sam: Probably afraid we'd damage him.
Jack: Perceptive little runt.

Jack: Harlan, where've you been?
Harlan: Extremely busy.
Jack: I can see that. Doing what?
Harlan: Oh, ah . . . making your synthetic others, saving the planet, busy busy.
Jack: Synthetic?!?

Robot Sam: I know! Defies the uncertainty principle. We are identical, right down to the mole on our . . .
Sam: Hey! Shut up.

Teal'c: Was not a copy made of me?
Harlan: Oh, yes. Um, but um, I had to disintegrate you.
Teal'c: I see.

Jack: Well, they're all debating the meaning of life out there. Both Daniels think this is all fascinating. The Carters are arguing already. Teal'c feels left out.

Robot Jack: We'll bury the Gate, don't worry. And don't even think about sending a bomb to make sure.
Jack: I wasn't.
Robot Jack: Yes, you were. I know you.

There But For the Grace of God (1x19)

Jack: Good morning, campers!

Daniel: Jack? Sam? Teal'c? Oh, I really hate it when this happens.

Daniel: Uh-huh, okay . . . um, I figured out how to work the Stargate. You recruited me to translate the cartouche found in Giza. I went through on the first mission, through the Stargate, to Abydos. And unless the last two years have been some, wacky, wacky dream, I am a member of SG-1.

Catherine: I admit we referenced your work occasionally. I even went to meet you at one of your seminars to ask you to join us. But you said no.
Daniel: I did?
Catherine: You were quite rude, actually.
Daniel: I was.

Daniel: I feel like the victim of the biggest practical joke ever!

Daniel: This isn't happening. This is nuts. This isn't happening. This isn't happening . . .

Sam: Well, basically, scientists have theorized that there are an infinite number of dimensions, each containing a different possibility of reality.
Daniel: Well, it sounds like I theoretically, possibly, actually found one!

Daniel: Current address unknown, phone number unknown, last place of residence . . . Egypt as of 1997. Uh-oh.
Sam: What?
Daniel: I think I'm dead.

Hammond: How's it going up there, gentlemen?
Jack: Getting the crap beat out of us, how's it going here?

Sam: I also wish to blow us all to hell.

Politics (1x20)

Jack: And you were there, and you were there, and there's no place like home.
Daniel: As a matter of fact you WERE there!
Sam: Daniel, it's not that we don't believe you.
Daniel: So you do.
Jack: No, it's just that . . . we don't believe you.

Sam: All right, when you were in this alternate reality, were there differences?
Daniel: Yes, uh, Teal'c was leading the attack on Earth, I wasn't even part of the program, you and Jack were engaged to be married . . .
Jack: Excuse me?

Jack: All right, wait a minute, let me get something straight. Engaged?
Sam: It is theoretically possible.
Jack: It's against regulations.
Sam: I'm talking physics, sir.

Samuels: That's, uh, Lieutenant Colonel Samuels now, Captain.
Sam: I beg your pardon, sir, congratulations.
Samuels: Thank you.
Jack: You'll always be 'Sparky' to me.

Jack: General, politics isn't my strong suit, but doesn't the President outrank a senator?

Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Jack: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage . . .
Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Jack: Car wash?

Daniel: I'm sure once we tell him Earth's future is at stake . . .
Jack: Daniel? Let's just keep your alternate reality story as our little ace in the hole, shall we?
Daniel: Why?
Jack: Just because.

Kinsey: Colonel, I've heard a lot about you.
Jack: Don't believe a word of it, senator. I'm actually a nice guy.

Kinsey: And this must be the drain through which the money flows. (the Stargate)

Jack: And let me tell you something, this time there really are barbarians, they're called Goa'ulds, and they really are at the gate, that one! (points to Stargate)

Daniel: Senator, we have reason to believe that the Goa'uld are about to launch an attack, through force, in ships.
Kinsey: Then I think they will regret taking on the United States military!
Daniel: Oh, you're right, we'll just upload a computer virus onto the mother ship.

Teal'c: (when asked why he switched sides) Because what is right cannot be measured by strength. Your world values freedom. I wish that very same freedom for my people.

Daniel: Sir, with all due respect, the good senator is an ass.

Within the Serpent's Grasp (1x21)

Hammond: Well, I was a month away from retiring before we started the SGC. The only thing that kept me here was . . . well, let's face it, it was a pretty wild ride.

Teal'c: If the coordinates are of a Goa'uld world which is not on the Abydos cartouche, the Goa'uld will most likely not expect us. I believe a medical attack could be successful.
Jack: Surgical attack, Teal'c.

Jack: I always get a happy tingling feeling when I see those guys.

Teal'c: It is a long-range visual communication device. Somewhat like your television, only much further advanced.
Jack: Think it gets Showtime?

Jack: Okay. One shot hurts him, two shots kills him. The third shot?
Teal'c: Disintegrates him.
Jack: Oh, great. You didn't feel this was worthy of mention, I take it?

Sam: The only way to do that is to turn us around and go back to where we started.
Daniel: Right, I'll just go tell the pilot.

Klorel: You dare to do this to Klorel? You will die a painful death.
Jack: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Klorel: Father, I wish to present to you a great gift. The traitor, Teal'c. And I present the human that recruited him.
Jack: Hey, pops!

Teal'c: O'Neill, prepare yourself for . . . (the ship stops and Jack falls over) . . . extreme deceleration.
Jack: Yeah, thanks, Teal'c.