Into the Fire (3x01)

Major Davis: General, that’s not my point. SG1 is a valuable asset, but they’re still just one team.
Hammond: Major, you’ve got a lot to learn about how we do things around here.

Hathor: Shall it be our Beloved? We could spend an eternity together. Do you not remember the joys that we once shared in one another’s arms?
Daniel: I really try not to.

Hathor: We are not pleased.
Jack: Neither are we.
Hathor: Once host to the Goa'uld, you will take the lives of your friends.
Jack: We don't think so.

Teal'c: The people of this world are my brothers and sisters. I have betrayed no one.
Priestess: Except your god.
Teal'c: False god. Dead, false god.

Teal'c: We are their strength, we are their power, until we choose to serve them no more. I was witness to the final breath of Apophis. I watched him tremble with fear at what lay beyond. I believed that day would be honored for all time on Chu'lak. But instead I see Jaffa taking up arms against one another. I see cowardice, and I am ashamed. This is our time. It will not come again. But first we must grow stronger as the people of the Tauri have done. I call for warriors to join me through the Chaapa'ai to gather weapons, to forge alliance with other Jaffa who seek freedom, to show the Goa'uld we wil do battle with them wherever they might be. Who will join me?

Daniel: It’s just a deep, bleeding gash, but it’ll be fine.

Hathor: We will destroy you for this!
Jack: WE would just like YOU to go away!

Jack: You heard me, I said kree!

Jack: All right, listen up. There’s something you should know before you start shooting and killing and ruining what could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Our beloved Hathor is dead.
Trofsky: What you say is impossible. Hathor is a queen. More than that, she is a goddess.
Jack: Yeah, okay, ex-goddess, maybe. I killed her myself. You should trust me on this, she’s gone. She is no more. She’s, well, let’s face it, she’s a former queen.

Seth (3x02)

Jacob: So you guys are the talk of the Tok’ra water-cooler.
Jack: For what?
Jacob: Kicking some major Hathor behind.
Jack: Yes, we do take pride in good work.

Jack: Kind of gives 'needle in a haystack' a whole new meaning.

Teal'c: Because the creature represents Setesh, the helmets of the Setesh guard have continued to be a source of many jokes among the Jaffa.
Jack: Jaffa jokes? Let’s here one of them.
Teal'c: I shall attempt to translate, O’Neill. A Serpent Guard, a Horus Guard and a Setesh Guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment! The Serpent Guard’s eyes glow. The Horus Guard’s beak glistens. The Setesh Guard’s . . . nose drips.

Jack: Does the concept of overkill mean anything to anybody?

Jack: Was wondering when you folks were gonna show. We got bets. I say FBI, they say ATF.
Hamner: Special Agent James Hamner. ATF.
Jack: Damn.

Hamner: You have a rather insubordinate subordinate, General.
Jacob: He’s not insubordinate to me. Only to people such as yourself. Saves me the trouble.

Hamner: Well, apparently not. I just got off the phone with the President.
Jack: Of the United States of America? Sweet. How’s he doing?
Hamner: He seems to have a thing for you.
Jack: Yeah, well, you know.
Hamner: In fact, I’m to issue you an emergency Special Agent credential. He’s put you in charge of this operation.
Jack: Excellent. My first order of business, get me one of those cool jackets. Extra large. Double XL if you've got it.

Jack: Dare I ask about the men inside?
Daniel: They were turned into eunuchs.
Jack: Eunuchs? As in snippity-do-da?

Jack: Daniel?
Daniel: What?
Jack: Now what?
Daniel: Why are you asking me?

Seth: Who are you?
Jack: Well I'm Larry, this is Moe (Sam), and of course, everybody's favorite, Curly. (Daniel)

Jack: So help me, if I wake up and I’m singing soprano . . .

Fair Game (3x03)

Hammond: In recognition of Captain Samantha Carter's outstanding work, I hereby authorize her immediate promotion to the rank of Major. Captain, step forward. The United States Air Force has recognized that you have fulfilled tasks and duties well beyond the responsibility of Captain. It is with great pleasure that I bestow upon you the responsibilities, the respect, and the rank of Major.

Thor: Her intentions are irrelevant. Earth has once again proven it can be a formidable threat to the Goa’uld.
Jack: Oh, now we’re a threat to THEM?

Daniel: The second Goa’uld representative we’re expecting is Yu.
Jack: Me?
Daniel: Yu is the name of the Goa’uld.
Jack: Ah. Sorry.

Teal'c: I mean no disrespect. But I have given my allegiance to you, to the SGC, and to the people of this world, freely. I will, however, not see to the petty needs of these Goa’uld.
Daniel: I’ll . . . see to the petty needs of the Goa’uld, sir.

Hammond: Colonel, how are the briefings going?
Jack: I had no idea how exciting diplomacy could be, sir.

Daniel: Here we are, the VIP room. That's an acronym. It means very important. I hope this is okay.
Cronus: Your idea of accommodation is pitiful.

Sam: Well, I didn’t want to say anything, because I wasn’t sure until I saw his face, but I think Cronus is the one who sent the Ashrak to kill Jolinar. I just hate having them here.
Jack: Major, I hate having them anywhere.

Daniel: Excuse me, sorry for interrupting. What just happened?
Jack: Apparently we said hello, insulted each other and broke for recess.

Jack: Fate of the world in my hands and I screw it up!

Jack: Daniel typed up a formal letter in Goa'uld and I signed it. That boy can really grovel when he has to.

Daniel: Well, apparently Teal'c and Cronus have some pretty heavy history.
Hammond: Such as?
Daniel: Cronus killed Teal'c's father.
Jack: Oh, for crying out loud. Why doesn’t he tell us these things?

Thor: I have explained our position. To borrow from a human euphemism, it is not a perfect galaxy.
Jack: Yeah, well, I’m sorry, I get a little testy when faced with the total annihilation of our little corner of it.

Jack: Certainly not those lying, scheming, good for nothing, slimy, over-dressed style mongers . . .
Sam: Sir, I’d like to try something.
Jack: I wasn’t finished.

Legacy (3x04)

Daniel: Well, last night they were in my closet, in like a . . . Stargate event horizon without the Gate.
Jack: In your closet?

Daniel: I translated a phrase on that tablet that I thought meant attack, but when I refined the translation I realized it means to enter by infiltration.
Jack: And you think that’s what they’re doing?
Daniel: Yes.
Jack: Through your closet?

Jack: Why are you the only one who can see them? Why didn’t they come through my closet . . . aside from the fact that yours is cleaner?

Jack: I'm not going to enjoy this, am I?

Jack: All right, let’s say for the sake of argument that it is the Stargate, a theory to which I do not ascribe, then why don’t we just put a little sign at the base of the ramp that says ‘Gate travel may be hazardous to your health.’ 

Jack: I have a very calming effect on stressed out people. How about a game of gin?
Daniel: I'm not very good at gin.
Jack: Good! Get the cards.

Sam: God, I hate seeing him like that.
Jack: Nothing like losing your mind and knowing it's happening.

Daniel: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion I’m crazy? That I’m dangerous and out of control? It’s ‘cause I’m kind of acting that way, aren’t I?

Daniel: Ma'chello told me.
MacKenzie: Ma'chello?
Daniel: He’s an alien old man we met on P3C-599.
MacKenzie: Dr. Jackson, you haven’t had any visitors.
Daniel: No, of course I haven’t. You see, Ma'chello is dead.
Mackenzie: Dead? Yet he told you there was someone inside you making you appear crazy?
Daniel: That’s a good point. I wouldn’t buy that if I were you, either.

Jack: I’d like to apologize in advance for anything I may say, or do, that could be construed as offensive, as I slowly go NUTS!

Learning Curve (3x05)

Jack: Major Carter's eager as well. She’s really looking forward to it. So’s Teal'c.
Teal'c: I will share my knowledge of the Goa’uld freely.
Jack: Teal'c's eager on the inside.

Jack: Okay. Daniel, have fun. I know you will. Teal'c, make friends as always.

Jack: So, Merrin, I understand you’re a reactor expert.
Merrin: Yes.
Jack: How old are you?
Merrin: I am eleven. How old are you?
Jack: So, Merrin, I understand you’re a reactor expert.

Merrin: I do not need to. Urrone children require little sleep.
Sam: Okay, now I AM jealous.

Sam: Merrin, you’re only eleven. Half the interesting things in my life didn’t happen until I turned fifteen.
Merrin: What kind of interesting things?
Sam: Oh . . . just, er . . . stuff.

Hammond: In the future, Major, before you activate any device that includes the word 'reactor,' I would appreciate it if you would notify me.

Point of View (3x06)

Sam: Oh, my God. This is too weird.
Jack: Yeah. How about that hair?

Jack: All right, just to clarify. This Carter is from an ALTERNATE alternate reality?
Daniel: Apparently.
Jack: Anybody else have a problem with that?
Teal'c: Which reality is actually real.

AU Sam: Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. But, according to quantum theory, for every possible universe, there are an infinite number of variations, diverging at every choice we make like forks in a road.
Sam: She's right.
Jack: You just agreed with yourself.

Jack: So it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?

Sam: Actually, it's probably the very differences that set our universes apart from yours that have contributed to our survival. Daniel's participation in the Stargate program, Teal'c's change of heart, the fact that I joined the military . . .
AU Sam: You think that your being in the Air Force could have made that big a difference?
Sam: No, I just said it made a contribution.
AU Sam: And therefore I didn't.
Jack: Ladies. Sams. We're all in this reality together.

Jack: (to AU Sam) You don't know any of us. And we don't know you. For all we know, you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with cliches and you know how I feel about those.  (looks at Sam) No, actually, YOU know how I feel about those.

Jack: Well, the combined IQ points of Earth might go up a few points having two Carters around.

Teal'c: Ours is the only reality of consequence.

Jack: All right, I gotta know.
Daniel: Yes, I'm about to activate it.
Jack: No, no, no. Not that. What the hell does 'kree' mean?
Daniel: Well, actually, it means a lot of things. Uh, loosely translated it means 'attention,' 'listen up,' 'concentrate.'
Jack: Yoo hoo?

Kawalsky: So you and Sam, you never had a thing in your world, huh?
Jack: Sam is a Major in my world.
Kawalsky: Yeah, I know, it's against regulations, right? You two look pretty good together, let me tell you.
Jack: Kawalsky, during your special ops training in your world, did they cover silence?

Apophis: Who are you? My First Prime killed you before my very eyes.
Jack: I'm feeling much better, thank you.
Apophis: Then who are you? (to Teal'c) What magic is this?
Daniel: You should know better than anyone there's no such thing as magic.

Apophis: Tell me where you come from.
Daniel: From an alternate reality.
Jack: One in which, by the way, you're dead.

Deadman Switch (3x07)

Daniel: It doesn't make any sense. When a Goa'uld occupies a planet, they usually control the Stargate. This Gate had no markings of any . . . (runs into force field). Found something.

Jack: Who are you?
Aris Boch: Aris Boch. Perhaps you've heard of me?
Jack: Uh, not I. Teal'c?
Teal'c: I have not.
Aris Boch: Well, that's disappointing. I'm one of the galaxy's greatest hunters.
Jack: Not ringing a bell. Sorry.
Aris Boch: Well, I know you. Captain Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, the Jaffa traitor Teal'c, and Colonel Jack O'Neill.
Jack: Well, fancy that. We're famous.

Sam: Sir, he's not Goa'uld.
Jack: And? But? So? Therefore?

Jack: Teal'c, how fast will this unit fly?
Teal'c: I believe it is capable of traveling twice the speed of light.
Jack: Nice. Home for dinner.
Sam: Uh, sir, if you're thinking of trying to steal the ship and fly it back to Earth, even at 372,000 miles per second, it would still take us at least 10 years to get that far.
Jack: Should've let the dog out.

Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Daniel: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
Daniel: Of archaeology.

Sam: Actually, I'm a Major now.
Aris Boch: Oh, well, how very important. I'll inform the galaxy.

Daniel: Which Goa'uld are you hunting?
Aris Boch: His name is Keltar.
Daniel: I haven't heard of him before.
Aris Boch: Contrary to popular human belief, the Earth is not the center of the galaxy.

Sam: How do you keep from getting killed?
Aris Boch: Takes talent.
Jack: So, how do you keep from getting killed?

Aris Boch: Well, Teal'c is worth the most. The System Lords would love to make a good example of him. And Carter here . . . well, she has the memories of the Tok'ra Jolinar. And you, O'Neill, you're considered . . . well, you're a pain in the mikta.
Jack: Neck?
Teal'c: No.
Daniel: What about me?
Aris Boch: You? Well, I'll be happy to get a day's rations for you.
Daniel: Oh, a day's rations.
Jack: Trade you.

Daniel: And how do we know we can trust you?
Aris Boch: My word is good on over 2,000 planets.
Jack: There are billions.

Jack: Okay. Found a flaw in your plan.
Aris Boch: What's that?
Jack: Well, we're exactly one zat gun short of actually having a zat gun.

Daniel: Jack, he disabled the DHD and Sam said we can't fly that ship all the way home.
Jack: So we'll fly it to a closer planet with a Stargate.
Daniel: Good thinking.
Jack: It happens.

Jack: Daniel? Would you come here a moment? What do you think this is?
Daniel: Looks like a countdown.
Jack: Of course it is.

Jack: So Teal'c, how does one Goa'uld fire weapons from several directions?
Teal'c: Taks.
Jack: Tak'nik'atels?
Teal'c: Takmunatalamenteron (Jack and Daniel stare at him) . . . taks.

Aris Boch: You don't really think the Tok'ra and the humans have a chance of overthrowing the Goa'uld, do you?
Teal'c: I do.
Aris Boch: I don't think so.
Teal'c: I would rather serve with those who are willing to die trying.

Aris Boch: Hey, guys, what about me? Don't I get a thank you?
Sam: For doing the right thing for a change?
Aris Boch: Well, that's kind of a backhanded show of appreciation, but I'll take it.

Demons (3x08)

Jack: Ah, trees, trees and more trees. What a wonderfully green universe we live in.

Teal'c: Here. This path is well traveled.
Daniel: Which means the Stargate is still in use by someone.
Jack: Or . . . something.

Sam: Looks like a church.
Jack: And that would mean what?
Teal'c: That it is most likely Christians that reside here.
Jack: Thank you, Teal'c.

Jack: You read the Bible, Teal'c?
Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?
Jack: Oh yeah, yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Daniel: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They.would they drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole, the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.
Jack: Thus SAVING the person?
Daniel: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Jack: Now, it's not a demon. It's demonesque I'll grant you, but it's just a big, ugly creature.
Daniel: Who's inhabited by a Goa'uld that gives it great strength, intelligence and the ability to regenerate.
Jack: Yes. It's a very smart, resilient creature.
Daniel: In the service of Sokar, who, for all intents and purposes, is Satan to these people.
Jack: But it's NOT a demon.
Daniel: No, it's not a demon.

Teal'c: Are you contemplating attack, O'Neill?"
Jack: A couple of shots with a staff, we own him.
Sam: We hope. It took Thor's Hammer to kill the last one.
Jack: All right, a whole bunch of shots with a staff. 

Daniel: Did we just get struck by a big bolt of lightning?
Sam: That's what it looked like. Felt more like a zat blast to me. He touched his ring just before the lightning started.
Jack: Carter, if I ever get the urge to help anybody again, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Daniel: Teal'c! You're alive!
Teal'c: It is so.
Jack: Way to go, Junior!

Jack: You think these folks never saw a guy rise from the dead.

Jack: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Rules of Engagement (3x09)

Jack: You know, that UAV needs a swift kick in the CPU.

Soldier Kid: Boy, are you guys gonna get it.
Jack: Get what? From whom?
Soldier Kid: Hey, you can't talk!
Jack: Why not?
Soldier Kid: Because you're dead.
Jack: Dead?
Soldier Kid: Pretending not to be dead will just get you into more trouble.
Jack: More trouble than dead?

Daniel: We're just trying to understand, if we're supposed to be dead, how are you supposed to kill us again?
Soldier Kid: You wanna find out, four-eyes?
Daniel: Four-eyes?

Rogers: You were all casualties until fourteen hundred hours.
Jack: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?

Jack: Master Teal'c. Might I suggest we spare them this time?
Teal'c: Very well, underling.

Rogers: Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack: And that information could save your life one day.

Rogers: We have kept the Jaffa encampment separate so that we may better practice our Earth behavior. Shall I have them send for them?
Daniel: No, I don't think that will be necessary.
Teal'c: Send for them.
Daniel: Yes! Send for them.

Sam: Teal'c, what about these?
Teal'c: They are intar.
Jack: Short for?
Teal'c: Intar.

Jack: Just a huge honkin' Apophis, Major. Nothing to worry about.

Teal'c: This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. You may address the warriors.
Jack: Apophis wanted me to tell you that you've all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you the whole 'invasion of the Tau'ri' idea has been canceled due to . . . rain.

Hammond: What happened, Colonel?
Rogers: My lord?
Jack: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.

Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
Jack: Yes, my lord.

Fraiser: He won't eat, he won't speak . . . except to call me a Shol'va.
Jack: You must be doing a good job.

Jack: Ol' Doc. Fraiser says you haven't been eating.
Rogers: It's poison.
Jack: It's hospital food, of course it is.

Rogers: Go to Sokar.
Jack: It's 'Go to hell' actually. Which, by the way, is a very rude thing to say to a person offering you a sandwich.

Rogers: I will reveal nothing. You may begin torturing me.
Jack: Oh, I've already begun. This is the infamous Tuna Torture.

Forever in a Day (3x10)

Jack: Hey, you should meet the whiz kid they saddled us with while you're out of commission.
Daniel: Robert Rothman. He was my research assistant when I was doing my dissertation. Smart guy. He had a good teacher.
Jack: Geek.
Daniel: Yes, you used to call me that.
Jack: I was talking about you.

Jack: How long are you going to be gone?
Daniel: Didn't General Hammond tell you?
Jack: What? That you quit? Yeah, he told me that, but come on. We both know you can't stay away.
Daniel: Then I guess we're both wrong, because I'm gone.
Jack: Give it a week. You'll miss me.
Daniel: Yes, all the bad-tempered insults, all the illogical arguments.
Jack: Okay, you'll miss Carter and Teal'c.

Teal'c: Is there not some form of human ritual in which I may ask your forgiveness?
Daniel: No.

Daniel: How'd you get in here?
Jack: Got sick of waiting in the hall, so I let us in. You need a new lock, by the way.

Jack: General, the guy's got two left feet. I'm telling you, he slows down the unit.
Daniel: Deja vu.
Jack: Deja vu.
Daniel: Deja vu. You know, Rothman was a two-time decathlon champion in college.
Jack: Rothman?
Hammond: Two left feet, huh?

Jack: May I ask what changed your mind? You were fairly adamant.
Daniel: I don't know. Let's just say that there's something through the Stargate that I think I still have to be the one to find.
Jack: Now see, I miss that. I have no idea what he means, but I buy it.

Jack: So, Bruce Jenner. Sit this one out, huh?
Rothman: Me? Why?
Jack: You've been reassigned to another unit.
Robert: Why?
Jack: Okay, you're being replaced.
Robert: Why?
Jack: Because I'm intimidated by your intelligence. Where's the confusion here?

Past and Present (3x11)

Daniel: We don't have any papers. We're travelers. We've come to meet you.
Orner: Meet me?
Woman: Not you.
Daniel: Actually, I meant your people. I'm Daniel, this is Major Carter, and Jack O'Neill, and Teal'c.
Orner: Who'd give you a name like Teal'c?
Teal'c: It was given by my father. It means 'strength.'

Sam: Well, still don't detect anything out of the ordinary, sir. Neither does the MALP. Things are okay.
Jack: Well, the MALP is worthless. You I'll trust.

Ke'ra: You're not from Vyas.
Jack: What gave us away?

Fraiser: Colonel?
Jack: Oh hi, what's your name?

Teal'c: Perhaps Linea was experimenting with other ways in which to destroy worlds.
Jack: Variety being the spice of life and all.

Ke'ra: Is my clothing not acceptable?
Daniel: No! No, no, no, no, it's . . . no, it's fine. It's . . . are you hungry? I can have them send something down. You're hungry, I'm hungry. I'm going to have them send something down. (Kera corners him) Are you . . . do you want something?
Ke'ra: Yes.
Daniel: Right.

Jack: What does a bug spray have to do with longevity?
Sam: Well, it seems it was having the effect of slowing the aging process. Not in an extreme way but certainly significant enough.
Jack: Lucky bugs.

Jack: Wait a minute. Linea is dead, right?
Sam: Well, if those two bodies that Ke'ra found really were the Vyan elders that Linea was experimenting on . . .
Jack: Don't say it, Carter.
Sam: Sir, we wouldn't recognize her even if she walked in the front door.
Jack: Don't, don't. (covers his ears) La la la la la la la!

Daniel: Let me ask you a question: Who would you trust with your life more than anyone else in the world? Don't worry, I won't be offended if you don't pick me. Could it be Teal'c?
Jack: Sure.
Daniel: Uh, Teal'c, just refresh my memory. What was your previous occupation?
Teal'c: I was the First Prime of Apophis.
Daniel: Right. Did a few nasty things back then?

Jolinar's Memories (3x12)

Martouf: You are familiar with the way Sokar has assumed the persona of the entity on Earth known as the Devil.
Jack: Yeah. Bit pretentious, don’t ya think?

Jack: How did Jolinar get out?
Martouf: She never said.
Daniel: And no one ever asked her how she escaped from an inescapable prison?

Martouf: Without wanting to sound overly dramatic, the fate of the galaxy may be at stake.
Jack: Sounds a bit overly dramatic.

Martouf: If you are all sure you understand what you are volunteering for.
Daniel: You said 'hell,' right?
Jack: Well, I’m gonna end up there sooner or later. May as well check out the neighborhood.

Jack: Have I mentioned to you that I hate surprises?
Martouf: We have a long journey ahead of us. There will be much time to inform you of all the details.
Jack: Now that puts me in a position to be surprised.

Jack: By all means. To hell with us.

Daniel: That’s still a long way down
Martouf: The pods are launched at a great velocity
Daniel: And that’s supposed to make me feel better?

Daniel: My lungs are burning.
Jack: Well, at least it's a dry heat.

Daniel: Is it me, or is it actually getting hotter in here?
Jack: Ah, a little of both, probably.

Jack: Well, it’s certainly not the Emerald City.

Jack: Howdy, folks. We're new in these parts. I know that's hard to tell, but it's true.

Na'onak: Who are you?
Jack: People of little consequence. Pay no attention to us.

Jack: Thank you. The smells keep getting better and better.

Jacob: Bynar is Sokar’s eyes and ears.
Jack: Well, eye, anyway.
Jacob: He ensures there are no uprisings.
Jack: Keeps the conditions livable.

The Devil You Know (3x13)

Jack: You do understand we’re not too happy to see you?

Daniel: Your mate Amaunet is dead. Sorry to ruin your day. Actually, no, I’m wrong about that. I’m not sorry.

Apophis: Major Carter was most forthcoming.
Jack: She didn’t tell you squat.

Daniel: Jack?
Jack: I don’t wanna go to school.

Jack: They put that damn memory thing on me. And then they gave me something that reminded me of the 70s.

Jack: Daniel.
Daniel: Yeah?
Jack: I’m gonna pass out again.

Aldwin: I’m sorry I doubted you.
Teal’c: I am as surprised as you that we survived.

Foothold (3x14)

Teal'c: There was no sign of Amaunet's Harcesis child.
Jack: Just rain. Much rain. Wind, lightning, hail. Did I mention the rain, sir?

Jack: How's a needle in my butt gonna get water out of my ears?
Fraiser: It isn't. Come on, sir. You know this is standard procedure.
Jack: We should rethink this procedure.

Jack: Listen, really jam it in this time, okay?

Sam: Maybourne, you are an idiot every day of the week! Why couldn't you have just taken one day off?

Jack: Maybourne? How'd he get . . .
Sam: I called him.
Jack: Willingly?

Sam: Well, how did you two get free?
Major Davis: We just woke up.
Sam: Must have happened when I killed you.
Jack: I'm sorry?

Teal'c: Colonel O'Neill, I presume.
Jack: What gave it away?

Pretense (3x15)

Jack: So, who's on trial?
Daniel: -ad.
Jack: Triad . . . al?

Narim: Our destination is the new homeworld, Tollana.
Sam: But we sent you to the Nox planet.  There wasn't a gate on Tollana.
Narim: The Nox and the Tollan were able to devise a way to get us there.
Jack: Of course you were.
Daniel: Way smarter than we are.

Sam: So you built that Stargate?
Narim: Yes.
Daniel: WAY smarter then we are.
Jack: Our is bigger.

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack: Is that a 'money back if you're not completely alive' guarantee?

Jack: Nice device.  We'll take a dozen.
Narim: As you may recall from our last encounter, it is forbidden for the Tollan to give our technology to any culture less advanced than our own.
Jack: Still got that arrogance bug, I see.

Klorel: You will pay for what you did to my father.
Jack: It's good to see you, too.

Daniel: Yeah, I know that all this weapons chatter gets my blood pumping, but could we get back to the Triad?

Jack: Well, this just became a piece of cake, a walk in the park, a day at the beach.
Daniel: An accident waiting for a place to happen?

Sam: Sir, what makes you so confident?
Jack: Because Lya is a fair and insightful person who will vote our way. Besides, she likes us.
Daniel: Lya likes everyone. That's the Nox way.

Travell: Our technology is superior in every way to theirs, and to yours.
Jack: My, aren't we cocky.

Jack: You know, I hate when people waste my time like this.

Travell: You disregarded my warnings.
Jack: Mine, too.  Well done.

Urgo (3x16)

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack: Never run with . . . scissors?

Jack: Mmmm. Mineral survey. My favorite.
Hammond: Colonel?
Jack: I know, General. It's all fun and games until someone breaks a nail.

Jack: Au revoir, mon general.
Teal'c: I am unfamiliar with that term, O'Neill.
Jack: Au revoir. It's French. It means ciao. Ciao. It means adios, auf wiedersehen, sayonara. Which all very loosely translated means . . . (they step through Stargate and right back into the Gateroom) . . . Goodbye?

Fraiser: What's the last thing you remember?
Sam: We were walking up the ramp.
Teal'c: O'Neill was explaining the meaning of 'ciao.'

Jack: (after Teal'c guzzles a whole pot of coffee) Isn't that hot?
Teal'c: Extremely.

Daniel: I feel fine.
Teal'c: As do I, Daniel Jackson.
Hammond: For someone who just drank half a gallon of steaming hot coffee?

Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack: What's the downside?

Hammond: Can you determine what threat they pose?
Jack: Apparently all desserts on base are in grave danger.

Jack: All right. What are you?
Urgo: Urgo.
Daniel: Which might explain why we all just said, 'Hello Urgo.'

Sam: We're looking at some sort of visual communication interface, controlled hallucination.
Jack: So . . . I . . . what?
Urgo: He gets confused! By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?

Urgo: Boring! By the way, who decorated this room? It is so plain. Please don't tell me your whole planet's like this. Not the whole planet! Hey, couldn't we go someplace else that's not here? Someplace, you know . . . that's not here? Um, kree! Anywhere. Boring!

Fraiser: Okay. So what does he look like?
Jack: A famous tenor.

Urgo: What is this?
Sam: It's a defibrillator.
Urgo: Ah, interesting. Thank you. Is it . . . defibrillating now?

Sam: You use the paddles to administer an electric shock to people who's hearts are beating irregularly.
Urgo: Ah. And then they feel better? Does it feel good? Does it hurt? Woo! It hurts!
Daniel: I would think so.
Urgo: Let's try it!
Daniel: No, I don't think so.
Urgo: Why not? It's not gonna kill you, is it? Or is it?

Urgo: Oh, I'm picking your brains, you can pick my brains. I'll tell you anything you want to know.  Ask me.  Ask me anything.  What?  What?
Teal'c: Tell us how to remove you from our brains.
Urgo: Oh. Except that.  Duh.

Jack: No, Urgo. We don't like you.
Urgo: Oh, admit it, tough guy. A smidgen?
Jack: No smidgen.
Urgo: I wouldn't blame you. I have a lot of endearing qualities.

Urgo: Years from now, when you're thinking about me, you'll say, 'How did I ever get along without that wonderful constant companion?' Woof!
Jack: YEARS from now?
Daniel: Woof?

Urgo: They'll open your brains with a big giant can opener, and then they scoop me out with a big scoopy thing. That's how it works. It's death or me. Me or death. You have to decide. Me . . . or death. Well?
Jack: We're thinking.

Sam: Hi. I was just talking to Urgo, sir.
Hammond: I see.
Sam: Oh, I wish you did.

Sam: Janet, as much as I appreciate it, please . . . Urgo, that is rude!
Fraiser: What did he say?
Sam: Uh, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

Hammond: Doctor, are we entirely sure that the members of SG-1 are . . . what's the word?
Fraiser:: Sane?
Hammond: That's the one.

Sam: A strong enough EM pulse can knock out most electronic based technologies. It would be harmless to us, but should render Urgo impotent.
Urgo: Could you, uh, rephrase that?

Urgo: Wait! I can be dull. Want me to be dull? What a nice shade of gray. How about some white bread with mayonnaise? Wanna watch golf on television?

Urgo: Oh, don't do that. Oh, sacrebleu! I'm melting. I'm melting! What a world! What a world!
Sam: Pulse hasn't gone off yet, Urgo. It's on a timer.
Urgo: Oh.

Fraiser: Then why did I have to treat your arm for a burn? Didn't you say Urgo was responsible?
Urgo: I didn't mean to!
Jack, Sam, & Daniel: He didn't mean to!
Teal'c: It was not his intention.

Sam: All I'm saying is that your software doesn't know how your computer works.
Jack: Hey! My software doesn't make me sing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'

Jack: Okay. Let's ask the question: Do we wanna give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with him yapping away in our heads?
Urgo: Yes. Say yes.
Jack: Or do we take the risk and try to find a way to get rid of him so we can get on with our lives?
Urgo: No. Say no.

Daniel: By definition, what constitutes a sentient life form?
Sam: Self awareness. Consciousness.
Urgo: I'm me. No doubt about that. What else?
Sam: The ability to think independently.
Urgo: I'm independent. I just, you know, like company.
Daniel: Fear of death.
Urgo: I got that too!

Teal'c: Then you are a parasite. Like the Goa'uld.
Urgo: (mocking) A parasite. Like the Goa'uld.

Daniel: You're Togar?
Togar: Yes! Togar.
Urgo: As handsome as he is evil.

Urgo: While I'm being silent, Togar, I'd like to point out . . . when I called you a madman I meant it in the nicest possible way.

Togar: The unit must be in a life form. It cannot exist on it's own.
Sam: There has to be some way. You created it.
Daniel: You'd be killing something you gave life.
Urgo: Dad.

Urgo: I wanna live. I wanna experience the universe, and I wanna eat pie.
Jack: Who doesn't?

Daniel: Look, we don't know you very well, but I get the distinct feeling Urgo is everything you're not.
Urgo: You can say that again.
Daniel: But I think he's everything you wish you were. Outgoing, adventuresome.
Jack: Annoying.

Jack: We're giving you a chance here. Him or death?
Urgo: No, I . . .
Jack: Death or him?
Urgo: Oh, dear.
Jack: Well?
Urgo: I'm thinking!

A Hundred Days (3x17)

Jack: So, Laira, when's the big show going to start?
Laira: Soon. Be patient.
Jack: Oh, I'm patient. I'm nothing if not patient. When's it start?
Laira: Is he always like this?
Teal'c: Quite frequently.

Daniel: A falling star. That's what we call fire rain where we come from.  In our culture, you're supposed to make a wish.
Teal'c: On Chu'lak, we call it 'tel pak rad.'
Daniel: Which means . . . falling star.

Jack: Well, there are a lot of things we could help you out with. Medicine, technology, education.  We'd become friends.
Laira: We're already friends.
Jack: Closer friends.
Laira: My mother taught me to be wary of men wishing to become closer friends.
Jack: Well, if you'd like, I'll negotiate this treaty with your mother.  That way there'd be no conflict of interest.

Fraiser: You miss him.
Sam: Yeah.
Fraiser: Is this a problem?
Sam: No. No, of course not.

Shades of Gray (3x18)

Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack: Offered us a nice fruit basket, though.

Jack: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c, well, he really didn't say anything, but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow.

Hammond: As long as I am in command of the SGC we will hold ourselves to the highest ethical standards.
Jack: And when the Goa'uld wipe us out because we have nothing with which to defend ourselves, I'm sure we'll all feel great about ourselves and our high moral standards.

Jack: Well, look who's here. Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know, it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.

Daniel: So? How are you feeling about all this?
Jack: Yes to the beer. No to the feelings.
Daniel: That's too bad, because I don't really like beer.

Maybourne: I want you to understand that once you see what I'm about to show you, there is no turning back.  You will have the choice to go along with it or disappear.
Jack: Disappear?
Maybourne: This is your last chance to back out.
Jack: Well, if you promise to cut back on the melodrama, I'll consider crossing the line.

Hammond: How's the retirement going?
Jack: Great. I retire, I wake up, I retire. It's a living. I'm bored out of my skull, sir.

Daniel: So, uh, just to clarify. This whole week, beginning with the appeal we made on Tollana, in which I did a lot of hard work by the way, I take it that was all a scam?

New Ground (3x19)

Jack: Do you believe we come in peace? (no answer) Got a commanding officer around here? (no answer) Wow, tough crowd.
Sam: What happened to Nyan?
Jack: I'd imagine he's saving his own butt right about now.

Daniel: Well, this day just keeps getting better and better.

Reigar: Let us talk of your friend in the words.
Jack: I have no friends. In the woods or otherwise.

Sam: The Stargate isn't made of regular stone. If given enough power a wormhole forms within the circle that allows us to travel to other worlds.
Reigar: Wormhole?
Jack: Giant worms. Huge.
Daniel: Wormhole is just an expression. It has nothing to do with worms. It's a tunnel through space.
Reigar: And how is this illusion of water created that I have heard described?
Daniel: Well, you're right in that. It is an illusion. It's not actually water.
Reigar: Then what is it?
Jack: Magic.

Nyan: You are proof that my theories have been all wrong.
Teal'c: Then perhaps you would be better off if I were no longer alive.
Nyan: Teal'c, I am a scientist.  When I find evidence that my theories are wrong, it is as exciting as if they were correct.  Scientific advance in either direction is still an advance.
Teal'c: You sound like Daniel Jackson.

Maternal Instinct (3x20)

Teal'c: Apophis must have transported off of Sokar's ship before it exploded.
Jack: Well, somebody’s gotta teach that guy how to die.

Jack: Well, someone’s been reading Martha Stewart.

Bra'tac: I believe he wishes us to take off our boots.
Jack: Yeah, look, we’ve been walking a ways today . . .
Monk: Your journey has just begun.
Jack: Yeah. I’m just saying I think I’m doing us all a big favor by keeping these babies on.

Monk: Lightning flashes, sparks shower, in one blink of your eyes you have missed seeing..
Jack: Lightning, you say?
Monk: I only know a snowflake cannot exist in a storm of fire.
Jack: What?
Daniel: Jack.
Jack: No, you know me. I’m a huge fan of subtlety, but that’s downright cryptic.

Daniel: Jack, he's speaking in the Zen cones. Whatever theology he follows may be an original basis for Buddhism on Earth.
Jack: Well, that's very nice. I'll be sure to call the Dhali Lama when I get back home.

Daniel: Is there a child here?
Monk: There is a child in all of us.
Jack: Oh, come on.
Bra'tac: He seeks a real human boy, of flesh and bones.
Monk: Those who seek oneness are all that they seek.
Daniel: I think this is gonna take a while.
Jack: Really? What gives you that idea?

Daniel: Well, maybe what I don’t believe is that I can light a candle with my mind. You see, I find it much easier to use a lighter or a match, it's much more practical.

Daniel: Jack, the markings on the wall are a language. It’s a bible. Actually, it’s more like an instruction book on how to reach this ethereal plane of existence, some kind of other world. It’s only natural that the Jaffa who found this place would have interpreted it as a passage to the after life . . .
Jack: Whoa, slow down there, Grasshopper.

Daniel: The monk has taken up some sort of curatorship.
Jack: Kind of a janitor?
Daniel: More of a guide.
Jack: An usher?
Daniel: It doesn’t matter.

Jack: Oh, I don’t think I know as much as you think I know.

Jack: Daniel, that was a glider.  We're out of time.
Monk: Time means nothing to the . . .
Jack: Ah!  Don't say it!

Jack: If we happen to make it out of this in one piece, remind me to harm Daniel severely.

Crystal Skull (3x21)

Daniel: Definitely Mayan. This is a major find; I have to see this.
Jack: Any signs of life there?
Sam: There is a breathable atmosphere, sir, but no complex life signs. This IS a major find. I have to see this.
Jack: You, too?
Sam: Well, look at these readings, sir, these are leptons.
Jack: Get out.

Sam: Normally neutrinos pass right through ordinary matter, no matter how dense. I mean, something like 500 million billion just passed through you
Jack: No matter how dense . . .

Jack: Hey! If you'd been listening you know that Nintendos pass through everything.
Daniel: I heard.
Jack: Everything.

Teal'c: Whoever the builders are, they would appear to be a formidable race.
Daniel: You could fit every pyramid on Earth inside this thing and still have room to spare.
Jack: Could you imagine heating this place?

Fraiser: You can protest all you want, Colonel, but it will be awhile until you get your strength back. So relax. Doctors orders.
Jack: Napoleonic powermonger.

Jack: I'm sick of laying around. Help me up.
Teal'c: Dr. Fraiser believes you are not strong enough to undertake such a mission. (Jack gets up anyway and promptly falls on his face) Dr. Fraiser is usually correct in such matters. (picks up Jack and lays him facedown on the bed)
Jack: Thank you.

Teal'c: We believe it to be a teleportation device.
Rothman: Are you serious?
Daniel: That's good, Robert. Be skeptical.
Hammond: We were hoping your archaeological expertise could help provide insight into where he may have been sent.
Rothman: It's a skull.
Daniel: Not THAT skeptical.

Rothman: Teleportation device? What do you think?
Siler: I think you're going to get fired.

Fraiser: I'm not so sure, Major. I've already taken the liberty of looking him up.
Daniel: Oh, you didn't.
Fraiser: His current address is a psychiatric institution in Oregon.
Jack: Psychiatric?
Fraiser: Apparently his failure to prove the crystal skull was more than just a curiosity caused a severe mental breakdown from which he's never recovered. Nick checked himself in.
Sam: Why wouldn't Daniel have told us that?
Daniel: Oh, yes, by the way, he's insane.

Hammond: A civilian who's spent the last 20 years of his life in a psychiatric institution?
Jack: Exactly. Who's gonna believe him if he says anything?
Hammond: Colonel, you walk a fine line.
Jack: Thank you, sir.

Daniel: Whatever happened to working through the night? I'd do it for you.

Daniel: No, I'm real. I'm real. You're not hallucinating.
Nick: Hallucinations always say that.

Nick: Forgive me, he insisted. Daniel is here.
Hammond: Here?
Daniel: Repeat what I'm saying. I'm standing right beside you.
Nick: Standing right beside me.
Jack: He's lost a few pounds.
Daniel: Jack, don't be an ass.
Nick: Jack, don't be an ass.
Jack: Daniel?

Jack: Daniel said you should come along to make it work?
Daniel: Wait, I never said that. You're taking advantage of me.
Nick: Yes.

Nemesis (3x22)

Daniel: Did you get your hair cut?
Jack: Yeah, why?
Daniel: No reason.
Jack: Can I see your scar?
Daniel: No.

Daniel: I feel fine now.
Jack: Wanna go fishing?
Daniel: Actually, I wouldn't . . . (tries to get up) . . . well, maybe . . . no, you know, I think maybe I will stay here for 2 or 3 days.

Jack: What are you doing?
Sam: I'm getting ready to do a detailed analysis of the decay rate of naquadah within the reactor. It's really quite amazing. I mean, unlike plutonium, it actually has . . .
Jack: Ah! I'm on vacation.

Sam: It's not that I'm happy that Daniel's in excruciating pain or anything like that, but I've been looking forward to an opportunity like this for quite some time . . .
Jack: You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one got some leave, one actually LEFT.

Sam: Sir? What going on?
Jack: Well, I need a Spaz-12, a BF-8, 10 pounds of PBX, and a USAS at the base of the Stargate in, oh, five minutes.

Sam: Sir, are you saying these bugs are technological?
Jack: Apparently they plan to land the ship and infest Earth. Thor says this would not be a good thing.

Thor's recording: . . . is powered by 4 neutrino ion generators. In your Earth units of measurements, each unit . . .
Jack: Yeah, my eyes glossed over right about there.

Thor: The Replicators were brought aboard the ship for study before the danger could be fully comprehended.
Jack: We do that all the time. We kind of expected more from you guys.

Jack: Wait a minute, are you trying to tell me with all this advanced intergalactic technology, this ship can't withstand a little heat?
Thor: In order to reflect the sub-phase field of the phase generator . . .
Jack: So . . . no.
Thor: Yes.

Jack: Say something.
Teal'c:: One small step for Jaffa.
Jack: Very nice.

Daniel: Sir, I know there's no reason for me to be here, but I feel like I should be here. That's not totally true, actually I feel like I should be up there with them.
Hammond: Now you know how I feel most of the time.